i have still not updated my photo.i want to put a happy picture on my blog which currently i am not.I dont know but things are not the same any more.Either i am not able to cope up with things or they are changing too fast for me.I want to do so many things but i dont know.Something is stopping me from doing it.There will be a day when i will happy.Till then i will concentrate on my career.thats the only thing left in my life.I trusted people blindly which is why i fell flat on my face.I have not lost on my optimism yet.This is hopefully a rough patch in my life which will get over soon.Lets hope i get to see that day when i am alive.

There is a saying ' if you laugh too much,you will cry too much '.This is true in my case.Everybody gets married to be happy but it happened exactly the opposite with me.Is it a crime that i want to be myself after marriage.Why should i change for anyone when i didnt change for my parents.They gave birth to me,raised me up all these years and what did i do to them? I simply announced that i want to get married to someone of my choice.Not once i realised how they felt at that time.They would have felt betrayed..i broke their trust.Till date they have not mentioned their feelings to me.I remember the days when my mom used to convince me about this marriage but no i never paid any attention to her.I used to think that my life will be happy and rosy since i m getting married to someone who loves me.I was wrong...now my life is anything but happy.
Even today my parents dont cease to ask if i am alright living here alone.They could have turned their backs towards me and said its your problem you solve it.Each time i needed support my parents were there.I feel bad today that when it is my payback time,i am unable to do anything.

I could have given them so much of comfort but never gave.I long to tell that i miss my mom's food,dad's jokes i miss my home.i just wish i can turn back time and run back to my place,my home.

Life is so unpredictable.One moment you are down and the other moment you are up.After days of depression ,i had almost lost interest in everything.I never felt like eating and all that i used to was lock myself n brood...Its then when something happened.Whats this something.... Na i am not to write it now.But because of that one instance i got back my love.I had almost lost it and giving up on him but he came back to me.Right now i feel so happy and so much at peace.Love makes people do amazing things.I am smiling now without a reason and i can confidently say i am in love again.Special mention to Ram if you happen to read this- ' I didnt expect you to bring me a chocolate for my cooking but Thank you....You have no idea how happy i am today.You have brought back my smile which was elusive .. Love you '

When you think of a BPO what is the first thing which comes to your mind? Night shifts or Youngsters spending money like water.I can think of only Alex Sebastian. Alex who? Alex was my colleague when i was working with Reuters.On my first day when i was introduced to him,he was friendly and had a big smile on his face.I was told that he is differently abled ( deaf and dumb ) but he never allowed his inability to hamper his talks with us.He made it a point to teach sign language to us ( there were 2 other people who joined along with me ).Initially i was excited because it was much easier to talk to him in sign language.But i was very slow in learning and Alex used to get irritated at my pace.I never could interact with him daily since we used to work in different shifts.
One day i had to explain a certain task to him and it was difficult trying to make him understand the nuances of the task.He brushed away the papers lying on the desk and walked across to the cafeteria.I was taken aback by his behaviour and gave him a piece of my mind.He simply pushed me away for which i was highly offended.Even though he apologized to me immediately,I did not talk to him for days.No one has ever mis-behaved with me this way.He kept apologizing to me everyday for almost a week but i did not relent.He asked me to have a cup of coffee with him since both of us liked having coffee.At that moment it struck to me that if i am angry i can shout,scream or talk to someone.Alex cant.All that he can do is show it physically.Why didnt i think of it earlier? .I felt extremely guilty about my behaviour and instead of having coffee in the cafeteria we went out of the office.
That's when i saw a different side of Alex.He spoke about his parents,college,friends and his dreams.He was pursuing his MS -IT and had studied in SMIT - Chennai.He is from Kerala and a true bled Malayali.I did not utter a single word since i was pre-occupied with my thoughts.How could'nt i think of this earlier? I was trying to think of few lines but all that i could say was ' Sorry'.He smiled and said his behaviour was not right and he should not behave with anyone like that.I kept on saying Sorry and at one point both of us laughed out loud.I got to know that he wishes to buy a bike,have a beautiful girl sit behind him and cruise away on MG road.Till then he had a smile on his face which vanished immediately when he told me this ' All that i want to do is talk to her which can never happen '.His sentence tugged my heart.We had to come back to office since something urgent showed up.
Sometimes when he stayed back to finish his work,we used to catch up with each other and have dinner together.Alex was never appreciated for his hard work.Like all of us he also wanted to get an award in front of the entire staff ,wanted to see people cheering him when his name is called out but somehow the management was always oblivious towards his work.All of us brought this matter up but nothing changed.When i was quitting Reuters,he came up to talk to me.
He said ' I wish you get everything you wished for in your life and always be happy but don't forget me'.
Even today when i think of him ,my face lits up with a smile.He taught me how to overcome obstacles without harping on it.He taught me how to enjoy life,how to connect to people.Most importantly he taught me how to wear a smile always on my face.
Alex - I can never forget you. I am still in the process of learning the language and when i get it right,you will be first person whom i will talk to.

I am continuing my series - Feeling Blue.i don't know why my writing has become depressive but maybe this is one of my mood swings and my adjustment problems.Adapting to a situation has always been little difficult for me.But this is restricted only to my personal front because that is what affects me the most.Which is why i write a lot of personal stuff than professional.So let me write about Marriage - something which affects everybody at large.Why do we get married? All of us have our own reasons....I got married because i want to spend my life with some one i love..One of my closest friend got married because of family compulsions.I know people who got married just because they thought that the time was right...So different people have different expectations and thoughts when getting married.But don't all of us look for ' Happiness ' when we think of marriage.We might have different reasons to get married but all of us want to be happy.
Then Why am i not happy ? ?
I had the best childhood ,have the best parents in the world,got married to the person who loves me a lot and vice versa then why am i not happy still...
Anybody might think i am being greedy.No i am not...I feel a certain void in my life.Something which is incomplete ,part of my life which still needs to be nurtured.
I must confess that whether i am happy or not,Marriage has def brought about changes in me.
I have realised the value and importance of having known people around me.No longer can i come back home and throw my bag and my shoes in my room.How can i ? My in laws will throw a fit.No longer can i scream when i am hungry or tired..i have to control and paste a smile on my face.No longer can i complain that i don't like the food because i have responsibility on my shoulders.Sometimes i feel that getting Married was the biggest mistake of my life....
But i ponder. No it is not all that bad.
I can now share my laughter with some one.There is a person who loves me as much as my parents do.I have someone who cares for me.What amuses me is when people react to my in laws staying with us.Maybe i will have to take this up in my next blog

The recent blasts in Delhi evoked so many hidden emotions in me that i decided to pen down my thoughts asap .I never bother to read about any case of violence because it makes me feel depressed.I consciously avoid and skip those sheets in the news paper.I never imagined that i will face a bomb blast ...not even in my wildest dreams.This came true when i was in Bangalore couple of months ago.Day July 25th 2008 - It so happened that i had to attend an interview at 2.30 pm.I left my office situated on Airport Road and was waiting for a friend to pick me up from Koramangala Bus stop.It was around 2pm and Koramangala being the busiest locality in Bangalore ,it was bustling with people.I heard a deafening sound and saw people running in all possible directions.Thick smoke engulfed the place and nothing struck me till then.All parts of my body became numb and even though i was in my senses ,i could not think! .I did not hear about the blasts which happened before this since i was so engrossed in preparing for the interview.Normally i switch on the TV during lunch hour but i made a choice of skipping the same.
The sight is hazy even today.All that i recall is children running and screaming,people running to nowhere and the injured lying without any help.It was a dreadful sight.Fortunately the blast was of low intensity but if it was a high one,i shudder to think of the consequence.
There was chaos everywhere,rumours doing their rounds and people trying to rush back to their respective homes.I managed to hold my emotions and got into an auto after paying him 300 rs for a distance of 15 kms !!!.En route i heard the ambulance wails,police men desperately trying to control the crowd and STF personal trying to gather information.
I almost forgot this incident but the Delhi Bomb Blasts jostled my memory.My heart goes out to all the victims and their families ,who for no reason had to pay a heavy price.
Somewhere i get paranoid if i see a bunch of people running.
My dad always tells me ' You will never understand anything unless you don't face it yourself'.Today i realise how true this is!
Rest of the thoughts when i follow the news tomorrow ( to be contd )

At times when we try and think about our lives,you always want to undo certain decisions , certain situations, certain sayings etc.Why do we feel so ? Either we are not happy with it or we have moved away from that phase.Its strange but true !
Its so strange that when A some one special does not stirs the same emotions like the way few years back.That if you suddenly drift away from certain relationships when actually you were holding on so tight.

Few people without whom you couldnt live without,now you cannot live with the same person.Its strange yet true !

Moments which were special earlier has becoming boring now.Long conversations which went on for hours together has now reduced to minutes and seconds just because you dont have anything to talk.....What an irony !

to be contd

I wish i was born as a MAN

I could walk on streets with just my shorts on and noone would give a damn.

I could attend late night parties without my folks breathing down my neck

I could walk into a local bar with my friends and enjoy a drink

I could have spent my weekends enjoying my cricket matches than learning cooking

I wish i was born as a MAN

I wouldnt have to comply with social obligations such as MARRIAGE !!!

I wouldnt have to deal with men staring at our' assets '

I wouldnt have to deal with people stare at my cigarette or at my clothes

I wouldnt have to deal with relatives worrying about my marriage,career,kids ( phew ! )....

I wouldnt have to cope up with Moral responsibilities of being wife,daughter in law,mother,daughter ,sister and the so called ' This is your duty ' things.


I wish i was born as a MAN but am happy being a WOMAN.