Life as we know it

So life is chugging forward in full speed. Even before I could blink my eyes, my two darlings have turned 9 months old. I wonder it was just yesterday I was so anxious about them. All I could think was how will I manage these 2 precious frail beings who are completely dependent on me. It is such a roller coster ride with them but what I was really enjoying is my stay with my parents. As most Indian married girls, I got set in my new life and my new found independence. All of a sudden I was back with my parents and it took sometime to get into the groove. It is a controlled atmosphere and there were bickering, fights, arguments but it is all worth in the end. Now that I am back at my house, I miss the fun, laughter, candor and most importantly the pampering of parents. One does not realise the importance of parental home unless they live on their own.

Life teaches you all that you need to know. But what it does not teach is to not miss your childhood dreams woven in the comfort of your bed, plans made in your room and laughter in the house. What I would not give to get it back. How I wish !

So called birthday !

Yesterday i turned 34! Phew it feels like i already lived for 70 years. The same day last year was full of surprises with R and my family throwing surprise parties and baby showers etc. Cut to the same day now, no one is remotely excited in wishing. I got plenty of texts wishing me but exactly 2 phone calls - one each from family and friend. R gave me a philosophical parody to wish for birthday and I wonder is it the same !

How soon one person goes from being important to not so important in an relationship ? It gets uglier if you face the truth in front of your family who will be quick to judge on one look. I guess i should stop looking for importance from outside and feel important from within. In any case the battle is mine till I live. Let me fight it the way I want !

and the trial still continues !!!

Usually there is a lot of excitement surrounding newborns. And my case was no different. The whole family was super excited to receive both the babies but the challenge was to maintain sterile atmosphere back home. How do we do that ! A whole lot of deliberation followed, suggestions given , frantic calls to relatives and their relatives were made. The babies had to fed via pallada which was super difficult. Angad was being extremely colicky and used to have immense crying spells. Since no one from my side had the knowledge of pallada, my sister in law was asked to step in and she graciously did. She and R kept me company back home with the babies and did rotational shifts along with my parents taking care of the background work.

Maybe thats what spoilt the whole show. Sometimes we need to take a strong look at ourselves before opening to another human being. The little fights started and the whole thing precipitated into a big showdown right before R had to leave for 2 months to Bucharest. I was torn between him and my parents. I wonder why is there so much of expectation only from a daughter in law where as a son or son in law is given free hand. I ponder maybe is it the lack of communication or cultural differences that has prevented me from establishing a smooth relationship with my inlaws. R seems to be doing just fine. I was so let down hearing the inlaws views about me ! So if i dont do something or dont call them, does that give them right to accuse my parents for their upbringing. Is it alright for only them to worry about the babies catching infection whereas my mother does not have the right to question it ? R has never been subjected to all this but I always thank him from bottom of my heart for standing beside me and my family even in trying situations.

The babies arrival was such a joyous occasion but silly misunderstandings like this spoilt the whole show. My facebook wall was filled with cousins uploading their babies pictures and here I was - after years of yearning for this joy, I am struggling to find a balance in my marriage. What an irony !

And the trial continues!

So Angad and Aarohi arrived in style on February 19th at 8:33 and 8:31 am respectively. Aarohi came out in a flash crying her way into the world. She was so tiny with pink flushed cheeks. I had imagined all gross images but she was a very pretty baby. The doctors took her away but did not show Angad to me. I was dizzy with the amount of blood loss which had covered the entire OT and was wheeled into the ward. It was exhilarating, tiring process and I was still in shock trying to grapple with the new status - Mum of two ! Everyone around me were jubilated and were congratulating me. I was waiting to see my precious angels but no one told me that Angad had the umbilical cord around his neck. Hence he had to ventilated with oxygen. Only after 24hrs inspite of the pain of stiches, I pulled myself to see my babies. They were all bare wearing just a diaper inside an incubator. Both of them hardly opened their eyes. I could not touch them but could sit beside them and talk. Post discharge after 3 days, I would run down to the NICU daily to feed both of them and spend some time. After a week, Aarohi was given to me only to do KMC- a process where the baby is put on the mother for skin to skin contact and we could sit as long as we want. The nurses kept telling to go and rest and recover faster but how could I? I couldn't tear myself from them and be at ease. Angad was still offlimits since he had to be under more ventilation. There were days when I would run and come to feed only to find out that they already were fed or being fed or were under phototherapy and I couldn't touch them. Those days broke my heart and I would cry silently.

While the world celebrates their kids arrival, I was running daily back and forth from hospital and home. I hardly had the time to rest and recuperate. This probably had an effect on my lactation. Slowly Angad was given to me for KMC and I would shift my time between two. But he immediately latched on me. It was so gratifying feeling but Aarohi still could not latch on. I just wish I could lactate for both so that they did not have to depend on supplement milk. I would go to the hospital night and day and days would just pass.

Finally on March 20th, we got to know that the babies will be discharged and our excitement knew no bounds !

The Arrival -Feb 19,2016

Life is one big stage and all of us have our bit to play in it. My life is full of drama and surprises and without a doubt there had to be enough drama during my labour too. I had a very easy pregnancy and through out the period, my father would plan the D Day. He made 4 checklists and Plan A,B,C and incase required D. Cousins who lived nearby were reminded time and again and he would make sure the car was perfect incase of an emergency. When I was formally bought home, we decided to do pest control so that the house is ready for the babies. I had secretly made tons of plans to enjoy my last leg of freedom. Feb 18th,2016 I felt a little queasy not sure why. Maybe it was the smell of the pest control tonic or my food, I was tired and wanted to sleep the whole day. Since we had to lock up the whole house for 24hrs, I was shifted to my cousins house. As soon as I entered the house, my father joked with my sister in law saying ' See there are 4 cars incase we have to take Revathi to the hospital '. The clock struck 12 and when I climbed the bed, my water broke. I rushed into the bathroom thinking I have urinated on the bed. I was extremely uncomfortable and felt sorry for my uncle thinking I ruined his new mattress.

R had just left to our house. He was supposed to drop his parents to the railway station in the morning and come over. After minutes of deliberation, I was rushed to the hospital at 3am in full filmy style. 3 cars drove back to back to the hospital emergency section with my brothers screaming at the doctor ' Her water broke and she is in labour '. I was petrified thinking that there was time and honestly I didn't want to deliver so soon. I was praying that the doctor sends me home. But I was 3cm dilated. An emergency C-Sec was planned at 6am since my doctor was in middle of a delivery. It was further pushed to 8 AM. R rushed to the hospital with his parents and I had no clue why people around me were getting excited. I was given a baby monitor and asked to keep a check on it.

Again I was prepped and ready by 7am but the doctors asked R to step out of OT. Today in hindsight, I wish he was there to hold my hands and boost my spirit. I was wheeled in to the OT and there were fleet of doctors inside. The anesthesiologist was very polite. He held my hands and explained me the whole procedure which got over in 20 minutes flat. My lill princess made a grand entry into the world crying at 8:31AM and my prince at 8:33AM. When the doctor showed my daughters face to me, I was speechless. It was a moment of sheer bliss and happiness and more than anything contentment. However my son had the umbilical cord around his neck due to which he was blue. The doctors were not confident on his survival since he didn't cry so they shifted him to NICU and kept him on ventilator for 2 weeks. My son weighed 1.6 kgs and my daughter was 1.48 kgs but both were in NICU for a month.
February 19th 2016 - the day which changed mine and R's life forever. We turned into a family of 4 from 2 and completed us.

BTW - We named our princess as Aarohi and prince as Angad. Aarohi turned on her own today which was quite an achievement for us. Angad turned over last month twice and this month on August 19th, he turned again.

August 15,2015 - The D Day !

Though the day today is August 17th, I fondly remember August 15th which changed my life for better. I discovered that my long cherished dream of becoming a mother came true but it was confirmed 2 days later. Today after a year, I look back at my nervous self sitting at the clinic. I prayed to all possible gods but what surprised me was that the doctor told me I am going to be mum to 2 instead of one. I went through series of emotions - hope, nervousness, despair etc. I didn't know what to emote since I was prepared only for one child. God probably heard me twice and granted me my most precious gifts in pair. My father who dropped me at the clinic had equally shocked reaction. All that he could muster is ' Lets go and eat something '. We had coffee in MTR and thought of strategy on how to break the news to the family. All our strategies went kaput coz dad could not control his emotion. But my mom and brother took time to understand our reactions. After 15 minutes of explaining, she finally squealed in happiness. My brother who is quiet and reserved jumped to hug me and it felt wonderful to see the joy on their faces.

This is something which I will always miss. I thought of waiting for R to come and share this news in person but it was too much of a wait. I could not wait that long and I just typed 3 words ' Good morning Dad '. Over skype we had to share this happiness which had eluded us this long. Though both of us wanted to be happy and share it with the world, we were being cautious also for many reasons -

a) Its twins and no one is sure till 3months go along

b) Its first time for us and we didn't want anything to go wrong.

Inlaws were next to know and as expected they were over the moon. MIL kept shedding happy tears hearing the news. My whole pregnancy was a delight. I had zero sickness, no cravings and absolutely healthy outlook. It was a dream pregnancy which included my dream photoshoot and baby showers etc. But manybe I got a little over excited and forgot to rest during my last trimester. my 8th month saw a lot of functions - baby shower- mum side and inlaw side and right after a week, my water broke. I was just 32 weeks and 4 days along.

Man Proposes God also proposes..

For people who know me and R, know now clearly that we are sort of borderline atheists. I am not saying that there is no God but I feel some super power guiding us. It so happened that I had to travel to Mumbai for work and R to Calcutta immediately after shifting our house. R was to join me post his work. I finished my work a day early and set off on Mumbai darshan. Top of my list was the Siddhi Vinayak temple also since it houses many eating joints nearby. Monsoon had just set in and it was pouring like crazy when I got down Dadar station. I got my token for darshan but as soon as I entered the sanctum, there was a mob of 100 people screaming 'ganpati bappa mourya'. I was pushed and cornered to a side and was about to get back, when a pandit lounged forward, took my offering and placed it in front of the idol. I didn't pay much attention since I was lost in my own thoughts and more importantly on how to get to the hotel safe and sound.

We finished our Mumbai tour and almost missing our return flight, made it to Bangalore. R left to US immediately after our return and I got busy in setting up our new home. It was gruelling running after labourers and finishing remaining work. I was completely occupied in construction of our house and finishing my work commitments. Never once I thought of my periods though I was late. A chat with a close friend reminded me on checking ...you know just incase.... Its all crystal clear - August 15th 2015...a day etched in my memory. Early morning 5am I nervously peed on a stick anticipating tears and heartache once again. One faint pink line and my stomach was to the floor. I was about to discard the stick and cry my lungs out when something prompted me to wait. A faint second line appeared and suddenly my hands were shivering....I could not believe my eyes and the negative self in me screamed '' Go check again. It must be a mistake.'' After 5 checks, I finally found myself grinning and smiling at the 2 strong pink lines which completed me.

Good News ! Or is it ?

So what happened these last 4 years ! Few ups and lots of downs if you ask me but that is just my pessimistic view.. Like all couples, R and me finally decided to expand our family but it was not all hunky dory. I guess in India a couple's life revolves around just one question 'When are you giving us the good news' ? I want to ask all the nosy uncles, aunties , extended family, friends and my house help - Isn't my happy relationship good news to all of you ? In fact why India, worldwide women are measured only on the basis of their marital status and their ability to reproduce. Rest doesn't matter

We weren't spared either. Family functions became painful, friends became alienated when they popped out their babies , relatives started getting peskier. The only saving grace was our folks who kinda respected our privacy. Else I would like have turned cuckoo by now. There were hints and advices thrown at us - visit this doctor, go to A, B,C temple, pray, fast and what not.... Somewhere the race caught on to both of us and in middle -R and me had catastrophic fights on this. His patience grew thin and my anxiety grew high. A loss in the family added on to it and precipitated the issue. Month on month we would wait eagerly for the good news but nothing happened. I must admit that it did take a toll on our relationship but we kept the communication lines open. I quote my gynaec here 'In the process of having a baby, don't lose each other. ' I guess we took it seriously. We talked about our priorities and kind of worked around it. I quit my job to reduce my stress levels but now in the hindsight, it was a wrong decision to make. So anyone reading this blog who are yet to get into the baby making business - please be as active as possible else your brain will turn into a devil's workshop in a jiffy. I would sit around the house trying to play the role of perfect home maker. Twiddling my thumbs, my days revolved around Facebook, twitter, and tons of pregnancy websites. Friends kept posting their happy pictures and conversations were only about their babies. Days would look bleak and nights silent... My life was on a complete standstill. I kept postponing all decisions - whether it is travel or shopping or even taking a holiday. Believe it or not - It has been 5 years since R and me took a holiday and boy do i need one now ! Around 2014- 2015, we decided to take a break from all the baby making business and left it to the supreme power. We consciously decided that if it has to happen it will happen no matter what. What we did not stop is regularly visiting our doctors. Those who know me - I am partially atheist and so is R. So our faith in science is equal to faith in God and religion. Around the same time last year, we shifted into our own house and in a month - Our lives turned topsy turvy.....

So today is the D-day - Inagurating my blog after 4 years again. So what made me stop writing ? Laziness, Work, No fresh thoughts - actually a whole lot of things which I will reveal in my subsequent posts to come. I promise to write juicy stuff and no boring life changing thoughts !... Lets start this journey with a few lines which I penned last night -

A miracle, I have been chasing
It chose to come at its own timing

I wonder... am I going to be nuturing
to 2 pieces of my heart,,that kept beating

I look up to the sky imagining
Our joyous future...this is just the beginning.....